A Long, Worrisome Road

There have been several times when I've felt too busy and too inconsistent to keep this blog going. I've stifled the urge to delete it, though, for one main reason. I decided that even if it wasn't perfect and even if nobody else ever cared to read it, this blog would be a great chronological document of my family and my life as an adult. It sounds cheesy, but I picture myself making it into one of those "blog books" years down the road for my family to enjoy, look through, and remember. I want it to be an accurate account of our life, not skewed to make me or my family look perfect. I preface this post with this information so that you may understand why I want to vent, rant, and express my imperfect emotions at times. I just might want to remember someday that I felt this way:

I'm worried. Terribly terribly worried. I'm finally realizing what a long, worrisome road my family and I have ahead of us with me carrying twins. Especially with me already having had a lot of bleeding and needing bed rest this early on. This worry was really first piqued, though, the other day as Marshall and I began reading our new book about raising twins, Double Duty. It seems like a great book, and I'm sure it will be great once we actually get to the part about RAISING them. It's all the parts about being pregnant with them that are unsettling. We read through laundry lists of possible conditions and problems that can occur just because there are two babies in there. We read about the percentages of early births in multiple pregnancies. We read accounts of babies born after merely 20-something weeks. Then, with tears in my eyes, we decided to put the book down for a while and begin again in a few days on a different chapter.

I then had a long conversation with someone another day about the extra-importance of good nutrition during a multiple pregnancy. Those who really know me know why this was unsettling for me. I'm the type of girl who thinks a serving of potatoes is a large order of McDonald's french fries and that ice cream is really good for you because it's dairy. So, if ramen noodles and Ruffles potato chips aren't chock full of the good nutrition I need for these babies, then I'm in trouble. Those prenatal supplements better be doing the trick- ha.

To top that off, I just had to go Facebook stalking today. I had heard about a friend of a friend of a friend who recently gave birth to twins. I knew they were born a little early, but was dying to see a picture of those cuties! Even though I'm not Facebook friends with this lady, I was so excited to somehow find a photo album with a picture of them. Then I clicked on the picture. And my heart just fell. Not because they weren't beautiful and not because I wouldn't have loved them dearly, but just because they were so different than I had imagined. They were nothing like I had experienced. They were nothing like the big, chubby, rosy-cheeked, 8-plus-pound Laney that was put in my arms right after I had delivered her. They didn't get to go home with their parents like Laney got to come home with us. They were so small. They had tubes and tape on their faces. They were very easily a lot like what I should be expecting this time around. And it scared me to death. Because it's hard to imagine anything different than perfect after having the pregnancy, labor and delivery experiences I had with Laney. I'm just so afraid that even if everything goes well, I'm going to feel sad and disappointed on that day. And then feel so incredibly guilty that I felt that way.

So there are my fears. And here is my hope:

"Do no worry about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, submit your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4: 6-7

So I will not worry. I will submit my requests fervently to God. And my heart will be guarded. (And I will also eat ALL the raw vegetables, peanut butter, raisins, and other good things that we just spent over $300 on at the grocery store. And try to skip the french fries.)

Love and blessings.